I haven't posted here in months, although I am still around. At one time, this journal served to document the joys of sorrows of my life, but since I left for uni, I haven't really done anything exciting! I found a balance in my life, and it is happy. The year went by in a blur of work and study and play and laughter, and since my grandmother's death, I've just been going with the flow of things.

For all that, while I no longer feel the compulsion to write, and while I've lost almost all of my interest in reading HP fanfic, I still <3 the people on my flist and can't resist sticking around to read them. And I guess, where once this post would have gone on for pages and pages, this is all I can bring myself to write.

So yeah. Since returning to school after Christmas, things have been pretty routine, boring. Which I'm fine with. I've been happy with my classes, happy with my boy, just happy to be back in this great place.
But things are starting to pick up now. I had a midterm on Tuesday, another one coming up on Thursday. I had an assignment due today, another one for Wednesday. On top of that, I have two massive research essays due as soon as I return from reading week. So, yeah... the stress piles up.
And! Ever since we've been back, the Boy and I have been looking at apartments. We've found one that sounds like a dream, great rent, utilities included, right on the bus route, pool - everything. We have a chance to go see it on Sunday, and we'll have to sign a lease starting May 1st. This means that I'll be paying rent over the summer, and I wasn't totally sure that I would have the cash for this. So I called my parents to ask their advice on the matter last  night. I'd mentioned to my mom before that the Boy and I were planning on living together next year, and I figured she would've told my dad.. cos well, isn't that the way it works? But apparently she hadn't. And my dad wasn't very happy about it. Nor did he think that it was financially responsible for us. He kept going on about all of these supposed "costs" we would have to deal with, even though we've worked all of that out. I knew how much it would cost for the summer at least, but he wasn't having any of it.
Long story short, I had to hang up and bury my face into the Boy's shoulder for a good cry. Sweetheart that he is, he called his father to ask about any costs, etc, that we would have to deal with. His father has dealt with his own leases and his two older siblings' leases, so I felt a lot better after we'd talked to him.
Dad called back to apologize for hurting my feelings, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Like he said, I'm an adult now, and they can't help me. I didn't call to ask his permission but to get his advice.

I'm just not really looking forward to going home for reading week, now.

Since I lost my Nannie, and I've had to return to school in Ontario, I've been feeling kind of.. bleh. Maybe numb is a better word. I know that I tend to repress things that might potentially bother me, but I didn't realize that my subconscious self-protection ran this deep. It was like I couldn't feel anything at all.
But, things have been going really well with The Boy (as they always seem to), and my classes, though the same, seem a little fresher after my break. I finally woke up to the non-feelingness, and even brought to the forefront the things that might've been causing it. Two days ago, my happiness and smiles returned, and that night, I dreamed of my beautiful Grandmother. Today has been another good day, and I feel like, perhaps, I am ready to move on. Instead of going through the days in a haze of routine, I will throw myself back into my studies, into my relationship, and plan for the future. Things are looking up, again :)

The Boy has somehow found, in his searches of the far reaches of the Internet, an apartment that could be perfect for us. Affordable, accessible, convenient, and with a few extra precious luxuries that would make the girl in me very happy. It's far from the tiny broom closet I've been picturing. It's not far from campus, and it's on the bus route.. Utilities are included and I can do my laundry right there. And it comes with a free membership to a complex that offers a spa, pool, and gym facilities. I can't imagine anywhere better. Of course, there's a some catch. We can only find out if it will be available a few months in advance of moving in. We'd been planning on signing a lease before going home for the summer, because student housing in this town are obviously scarce commodities. Of course, since we'll want a one year lease, that could start as early as May... A few months prior to May is March. Can we leave our decision that late???

On a much less major note, we went to the theatre and saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last night. Though long, it was far from tiresome. Of course, I love anything that follows a character's development. This did not leave me disapointed, and I loved every moment of it [except perhaps a flaw in the timeline of his parents' marriage... But I will not dwell on that!]. And the end... well, let's just say I don't cry in movies. I came close at the end of King Kong. I did cry at the end of A Time to Kill, but I think that at the time I was going through some issues that had to be let out somewhere. But during the closing scenes of Benjamin Button, I sobbed unabashedly, and continued to do so all the way home. It was just so heartbreakingly beautiful... Brad Pitt, of course, did a wonderful job, but it was Cate Blanchett that took it away for me. I've always thought she was wonderful...

Anyhow, I've put off going to bed long enough, I think. Adieu.


ETA: Oopssssss! I've forgotten to mention the thing that consumed my every waking thought from Boxing Day through to January 5. The IIHF World Junior Hockey Championship, of course. The round robin proved rather boring, as Canada far outstripped most of the countries in their pool (They beat Kazakhstan 15-0 for Pete's sake!). The semi finals made the tournament for me... Canada vs Russia. Russia matched Canada goal for goal through regulation, but Russia finally one upped them. With 4 minutes to go, Canada pulled their goalie and managed to score. The game was tied. But Russia came back to score an empty-netter with only minutes to go. I was in denial of a loss by Canada (we've had the gold for 4 years already... there is nothing else for us!) when, with 5.4 seconds to go in the third period, Eberle scored for Canada. I swear to gods, I thought my heart stopped. I tore down the stairs to cheer with my father, and we waited tensely for the overtime period to begin. I wanted so badly for Canada to score during OT, I thought a shootout would be too risky. But the OT period went scoreless, and Canada was forced to shoot. In the most beautiful (ok, maybe not the most. Canada had the opportunity to make some wonderfully pretty plays during the round robin) show of skill, Canada scored two in a row on the Russia goalie without flinching. I've never seen two such shootout goals made in the same game. While Canada went 2 for 2, Russia went 0 for 0 in an utterly poor effort. Anyway... WE WON! And I was ecstatic, with a side of heart ache for the tme spent agonizing over a possible loss.
Monday was the final. Canada played Sweden. I was sure it would be a close match, Sweden having beat Russia 5-0 without breaking a sweat. But the Canadians pulled out their best, and won it easily. It was a great game for Team Canada, but not quite exciting enough for me... Oh well. That's 5 in a row baby, with no end in sight <3

 Today would have been her 81st birthday. But her suffering ended last night at 8:05 p.m. after five long weeks in the hospital.

I made it home on Thursday night, in lots of time to see her. It was such a shock - I wouldn't have recognized her if I didn't know. She'd been off her IVs, everything but the pain medication, since the previous Monday. She survived almost two weeks, dehydrated and slowly losing strength. She smiled at me - the only thing she could do in her state - as I held her hand and kissed her head. I couldn't go back after that, couldn't face the idea of being there when life left her. My parents and most of my aunts and uncles were there when she passed away though. They said it was peaceful, easy, and described how relaxed she looked when it was finally over.

Florence Elizabeth Preston lived a long, full life. She bore 13 children and lived to see 23 grandchildren and 9 great-grandchildren enter the world. I will remember her always for her warm hugs, the way she laughed at my father's foolishness, and the delicious cookies and warm mittens she made just for us, her grandbabies.

We'll spend the next few days at the wakes and the funeral. It will all be over by the 23rd, and we'll be able to celebrate Christmas with some peace of mind. She will be missed by all of us.

 Titanic (1997)
The Dark Knight (2008)
Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977)
Shrek 2 (2004)
E. T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982) 
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)
Spider-Man (2002)
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Spider-Man 2 (2004)
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Jurassic Park (1993)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
Finding Nemo (2003)
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Forrest Gump (1994)
The Lion King (1994)
Shrek the Third (2007) 
Transformers (2007)
Iron Man (2008)
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) 
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
Independence Day (1996)
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
The Sixth Sense (1999)
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007) 
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) 
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)
Home Alone (1990)
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Meet the Fockers (2004)
Shrek (2001)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
The Incredibles (2004)
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
Jaws (1975) 
I Am Legend (2007) 
Monsters, Inc. (2001)
Batman (1989)
Night at the Museum (2006) 
Men in Black (1997)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Toy Story 2 (1999)
Cars (2006) 
Bruce Almighty (2003) 
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Twister (1996) 
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)
Ghostbusters (1984)
Beverly Hills Cop (1984) 
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
War of the Worlds (2005) 
Cast Away (2000)
The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
Signs (2002)
Hancock (2008) 
The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) 
Rush Hour 2 (2001)
WALL·E (2008)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)
Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) 
King Kong (2005)
Ghost (1990)
The Da Vinci Code (2006)
Aladdin (1992)
Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007) 
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Mission: Impossible 2 (2000)
Kung Fu Panda (2008)
X2: X-Men United (2003) 
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Back to the Future (1985)
300 (2006) 
Wedding Crashers (2005)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
Ratatouille (2007) 
Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Batman Begins (2005)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
The Exorcist (1973)
The Mummy Returns (2001)
Armageddon (1998)
Superman Returns (2006)
Gone With the Wind (1939)
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Happy Feet (2006)
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Ice Age: The Meltdown (2006)
Madagascar (2005) 
Toy Story (1995)
Men in Black II (2002)
Gladiator (2000)
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)

Updated February 6th, 2009.

The Boy and I have been together for 7 happy weeks. Our "2 month anniversary" is coming up on the 27th, and it's like no time has passed at all. Although, for me, sharing things has been a little difficult, overall it's been SO easy to be with him. He is everything I ever imagined I wanted in a boyfriend; he is everything I imagine he would be.
I've learned much over the past two months. He has a heart problem that he hides from everyone, but not from me, and every time it hits him, it scares me to death. Every time it hits him, he asks me whether he scared me. Every time it hits him, I assure him it didn't. He promises me that he is working to fix it, and I trust him. This doesn't mean I won't worry.
I have learned that he is every bit as sweet and romantic as I suspected he was. He talks about our future together in the long term (the longest term, really), and dreams of a house and kids and soccer practice. His favorite fantasy is our honeymoon. He asks me frequently about weddings, because he doesn't know anything about them, and wants to be prepared. I indulge him easily.
I have learned that I'm not afraid of talking about forever. Before him, I have never been able to commit to a date a week in advance without breaking it. My longest relationship was in the 7th grade, when I dated his best friend for the better part of three weeks, and had to break up with him because it just wasn't right to me. Now, I think about what we will do together over Christmas, next summer, when we graduate from university. Sometimes I dream idly about a wedding, and colors for the babies' rooms.
I have learned that love isn't the same as infatuation. I've been there, and I've dreamed about the future in that case too. Only, then, I thought of it as certain fact. Now, I know that my love will last forever, though we may not. We are both responsible in this way, knowing that things change and people change and sometimes, things happen against your will.
I have learned that he planned on asking me out once we reached university together, away from the drama of our small town home. This saved me some embarrassment, after having thrown myself at him drunkenly one night just before we left.
I have learned that we often share the same thoughts, and this makes it easier for us to co-exist. We both put ourselves out of our ways for the other, which is funny, to me.
I have learned that I am capable of staring into his eyes, and kissing his nose, and doing every other imaginable "cutesy" thing I vowed I would never be able to do. We laugh at ourselves for being this way, seeing this humor, and I think that's what saves us from being completely vomit-inducing. I still can't quite agree to PDAs, but sometimes I can't help myself from kissing him in public. He makes me so happy.
I have learned that, as I thought, my virginity wasn't a big deal to me. But I'm glad I waited for him.

A couple of weeks ago, he was looking through his wallet for something, and handing me things to throw out as he went along. I have always been fascinated by the things I find in old purses and wallets of my own, and by extension, other people's. It's always fun to see what people thought they might need later, and wonder why they did it. He handed me some crumpled pieces of paper, which I unfolded to read for myself. The outer paper was a receipt from a grocery store. The inner paper was a handwritten note, which I read eagerly... It was a note from his ex-girlfriend, who he had worked with, telling him how sexy he looked across the room, and the things she wanted to do to him. I laughed at it, because I know about those things. When you first get them, they're funny and sexy and exciting. If you keep them for a year, as he did, they are embarrassing and shameful and ridiculous, and they make you wonder what you ever saw in it.
His roommates were in the room with us, so I refrained from saying anything. I mentioned it later, and he immediately became embarrassed, blushing even. He told me how she'd given it to him after they'd broken up, he'd put it in his wallet and never looked at it again. This I believed, and do believe, easily. I kissed him and assured him that it was fine, and teased him only a little.
But today, as I sit in the library trying to study, I keep thinking back to it. It's weird for me to think of someone else finding him as sexy as I do. It bothers me that she knew him in ways that I know him too, that they did some of the things that we did too.
I was a virgin before I was with him. He, however, has been with multiple girls over a pretty long period of time. I've always been ok with that, because I was glad to be with someone experienced, unlike some of the boys I've been with before.
But sometimes, I let myself think of the things they might have done, and it bothers me. No matter how creative I may be when we're in bed, there's always the chance that he's already been there. I want to make things as new and exciting for him as they are for me. He's done a lot, and I haven't. Sometimes I want to ask him how many people he's been with. I know this is wrong. Even though he tells me, frequently, that I'm the best sex he's ever had, sometimes I wonder.
Is this me being petty, or am I genuinely curious about this? I've refrained from asking him because I don't want him to feel that I doubt him, or make him uncomfortable. I don't want to let him down.

I'm really enjoying all of my classes. I still haven't settled into the routine of getting my work done, though. There's just so much reading to do, and I don't find that I'm absorbing any of it. But I'm sure I'll figure it out before too long!
I dreamed last night that I was getting married. I realized what I had dreamed in the shower this morning, and I freaked out a little. I told the Boy about the dream, but not that I'm pretty sure I was marrying him, or that I wasn't the least bit scared, or that I was quite young to be getting married. 
i'm watching Signs by myself. Bad idea! lol

The stereotypes of drinking in college are completely true. And suddenly I'm incapable of being hungover. I'm loving everything about Western.


Being with the Boy is so great. I love waking up next to him, and the way he looks at me, and the sweet things he does for me without even thinking. I love that we still laugh and make fun the way we always have. This morning we both woke up at 5 am and spent the next 2 hours just being silly. It's more than I ever imagined it could be.

He's talking about forever. He told me he's scared, and I'm scared too. I've never made plans for more than a week in advance... none that have come through, anyhow. I can see myself with him forever. I just don't know how we're going to do it.

I practically live at his res. His roommates have accepted me as part of the team. We have family movie nights where we all crowd around someone's laptop. We drink, we laugh, we hang out. I feel lucky to know them all.

Life is so good its surreal. I'm sure that going home at Christmas is going to come as a huge shock to my system.

He thinks I'm perfect. :)

Okay, so it's been two weeks since I've posted, give or take a day or two. In the meantime, my life has been completely turned upside down.

I've moved to a different province. I've started university. I've made new friends and had countless new experiences. I don't even remember O-week, it went by in a blur. There was the concert, the hypnotist, Sex with Sue, Andy Thibodeau, my first classes, hanging out with the Sophs, Andrew and Omar, Josh and his roommates, getting lost, the football game, the carnival and countless dances. The dogtag party, the charity barbecue and Shinerama. None of this makes sense, but I don't want to forget it. It's only been a week and I can barely remember the details of any one of these events. Suffice it to say that I had a blast! 

So, not only am I now a helpless victim beneath an avalanche of readings and assignments which I have to catch up on, I'm in a relationship. Yeah, that's right. Me, commitment-phobe extraordinaire, hater of all people, have been in a relationship for exactly two weeks. It doesn't seem like long, but it seems like forever at the same time. After years of periodically writing in this journal about how much I love The Boy, and how I will go crazy if something doesn't happen, and at the same time believing that nothing ever would happen... it has. You know what that means? We kiss, we touch, we sleep in the same bed and share showers. He buys me food and I tell him I love him without dying inside. And he tells me he loves me back, and I don't run away screaming. I haven't had the "omg, I need to run away" feeling in my stomach yet. I haven't doubted his intentions, or mine, once. I'm thinking about what to get him for Christmas, and I'm making friends with his roommates, whom I love. I don't even recognize myself.

Class now. Two hour French lecture = death.

Much love,

Deadrana

Every post I've ever made complaining about The Boy and how he's being stupid and we should be together... totally worth it.

Because now we are and it's great and I'm so happy, even if only for now.

:)

Sooo I'm not too sure what happened last night. Only that it has the potential to change my friendship with The Boy. I hope one of them wakes up soon to tell me what went on...

Last text message received: "I really do love you."

<3

I leave on Friday morning. I have to drive 16 hours with my father, who I can barely get through a drive to Moncton with!
I'm trying to pack, I want to get done early but AHH, when did I get so much crap? How am I supposed to decide what I'm going to wear for the next 5 days, so I can leave it out, when I don't know what the weather will be like and I'm going to be traveling through three provinces? And what about all my toiletries and stuff? Should I not bring quite so many gym-type volleyball shirts? How is all of this going to fit in the Focus, plus me, plus my dad, plus my sister? And I don't even know how much room my comforter and towels and stuff are going to take up!

I hate this!

And I'm hungover, and my belly hurts. Ew.

Vball is life.

All men should be six foot nine.

I wish I was six foot two.

US Beach Vball for gold :)

I'm sick
of
ads
that
transport
the
characters
to
some
utopia
when
a
can/bottle/fragrance/other-generic-product
is
opened/smelled/other-generic-reaction.

Get some creativity people! That's your JOB!

I have a shocking and most disturbing talent for falling in love with people quickly and without reason.

an inexplicable yearning will settle itself deep within me for boys (men, i suppose... though i'm not ready to admit it) i haven't seen in months, or more. a chance meeting, a quick chat over the internet, a long thought-soaked message full of beautiful words and feelings. the feeling fades as the days pass, and a new one flares up soon and without much difference.

I thought of you the other day. Randomly an image of you just appeared in my head while I was painting a wall. You were standing in the rain. Strange.

I hope you have a good time in London. I've never been there but I hear good things. When do you move? Where you staying at? Dorm? Family? Friends? What are you going to study? Where will Madame Rachael end up? Where will you be at thirty? At fifty? At a hundred? I wonder...

I have to go. Miss you Darlin and hope with every worn fiber of my tired existence that someday we will meet again under the Harvest moon. We'll meet on the streets, on a side walk down on Victoria boulevard and I'll say, "Rachael, is that you?" and you'll say, "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PERVERT!!!" and as you're running off down the street I'll think to myself, "She looked good..."

Have a great day.

Your friend,
JWH

P.S. On the topic of self-destruction, I am a genius...

P.P.S. You were just standing in the rain...

Were sweeter words ever written? Yes, but not to me.

I saw an old lady nipple this morning.

Also, I had to fast for 12 hours prior to my blood work this morning, and that sucks. It's a good thing I'm not religious...

Instructions: Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

How many songs total: 1722
How many hours or days of music: 4.6 days
Most recently played: Death or Glory - The Clash
Most played: Money Honey - State of Shock
Most recently added: Crush - David Archuleta

Sort by song title
First song: The a la Menthe - Ocean's 12 Soundtrack
Last song: 99 Bottles - SLR Whitestarr

Sort by time
Shortest song: The Flinstones Theme Song
Longest song: 2112 Overture - Rush

Sort by album
First album: Abbey Road - The Beatles
Last album: 8 Mile Soundtrack

First song that comes up on Shuffle: What's Goin On - Marvin Gaye

Search the following and state how many songs come up
Death – 5
Life – 18
Love – 73
Hate – 4
You – 154
Sex – 18

This morning I was looking back on some of my older entries. As things often do, certain things I wrote stuck with me, danced around in my mind and came to the forefront just now in a different sequence. So here is my observation, one that is causing me some heartache, some squee-ishness and some diminution of the self doubt that sometimes consumes me when I think of the word "love".

Anyway:
Those few times that Josh has kissed my head, it thrilled me to my toes. I blushed a little, smiled widely (wildly?) at the wall, and snuggled myself a little closer. Always an absolutely memorable, happy-making moment. So innocent, yet so completely pleasing. I smile just thinking about it.

Then there's Talon. Who would kiss me on the cheek when it was completely impossible that I would let him kiss me anywhere else. And it actually made me shudder. I mean, inwardly... I'm not an outwardly spiteful kind of person. But I hated it!

So basically... I'm just sayin.

*smiles in a lovesick fashion*

My mother bought a purple bedspread/comforter thingy for my bed, for when I'm gone. It has a huge pink flower in the centre, the main focal point.
She's planning on painting my room when I leave. Either the pink color or the off-white color of the other, smaller flowers around it.

What is the world coming to???

_____________________________________________________

Had another strange dream last night. Included me, deciding to sell drugs for a living. (This I blame on Pineapple Express)
Going to the drug dealers house to get in on the action, finding out it is my actual boss. (This I blame on my last day of work being yesterday)
End up in some kind of situation with the boy, the one who is "over me". (This I blame on his talking to me yesterday and my thinking about him all day because of it)
My boss tries to sell me weed when I'm paying for something that is definitely more expensive than weed. Made up dream drug of some kind. (This, I'm not sure where to lay blame. My boss is a very fair man. Maybe my subconscious is trying to warn me of my own naivete?)

Weird dream, yo.